so apparently the cops were called to my aunts house on last friday night. supposedly one of ottavios friends said something to their parents about mikes drinking. i can't imagine what would have been going on to cause a trouble making teenager to report to his parents about drinking. then on tuesday morning child protective services was at my aunts house. they came back tuesday night and breathalized my aunt, she passed. they didn't breathalize mike because he was supposedly sleeping. she openly admits that if he had been tested he would have failed. now CPS is watching my aunt for the next 60 days/. supposedly she's planning to ask me to babysit eric every weekend on her work nights. my answer is obviously going to be no. because i just cannot get involved. i can count a million and one ways that it will bite me in the ass. on top of that. she is spreading vicious rumors about my uncle ronnie. which i won't say what they are here. but they are horrible. but we are all sick and tired of walking on eggshells around her. afraid of what her reaction will be. so the answer will be no and whatever the result of that we'll deal with it however we have to.

other than that everything is going great! i love my apartment. i love my peace of mind. and the dogs have found a home. separate homes but they live near eachother and hte owners have agreed to let them visit. so all is as it should be.

Leo is coming to work with me tomorrow because he's sick. he's been sneezing since saturday night. all he does is sit on my lap or near me and sneezes. my poor baby.

my aunt nancy who works for peppertree dog rescue said if i bring them to an evaluation on the 2md they can be officialy put in the foster/adoption loop. i don't know if i want to go that route if the breeder is willing to foster them till they find a new home. if they stay at the breeder, they get to stay there where they've adjusted and only have to move once. rather than be shuffled to a new foster home then to a forever home. and who knows how many other foster homes in between. i'm supposed to hear from a guy today who might be interested in one of them. so i'll have to call jen later and see if they are okay with fostering them till we find a good home. and hopefully i hear from that guy.

oh c'mon you didn't really think the good news would just keep coming did you?
as it turns out the girl who was going to take the dogs has backed out of both dogs. apprently her husband is dead set against having another dog, let alone two, who are special needs. no matter how minor those special needs may be. so unfortunately we are back to square one.

hey guys,
just wanted to let you all know that i am OFFICIALLY in my apartment and living here. this is actually my third night here. Leo and Wyatt are home with me and i have internet obviously.Leo is attached at the hip. when i'm home, if he isn't making physical contact with me, then he's following me and crying. makes it hard to do anything lol. but i am enjoying having my own apartment. dont' think iwould trade it for anything at this point.

my aunt has not tried to contact me at all and i haven't her. i'm thinking of writing her a letter and dropping it off with erics xmas gift tomorrow.but i don't know exactly how i'm gonna go about doing that just yet.

my mom ordered me the This Is It dvd witht he steelbook case from best buy and the special edition new HIM album. so i'm thrilled about that too.

at some point i have to call becky and jen to make sure all is going well with the boys. but the holidays and getting settled are getting in the way. but i'm tired so i'm going to go to bed now, night

just wanted to update you guys on the great news!
the boys have a home!!! a girl named Rebecca who saw them on petfinder.com she was only interested in one dog. but when she saw them and how good they are together she couldn't separate them. her husband is a state trooper in vermont and they just bought a house in vermont. she can't take them til the 14th of january but the breeder is happy to keep them there till then. then they go to their new home. it's about 2-3 hours from me but she said i can come visit them any time and ican call and see how they are doing. she seems really nice and down to earth and calm. the boys liked her and they dont' usually like people right away. but they let her rub their belly and pet them. they were so happy to see me. my cousin actually started crying when they were jumping on me and licking my face. but it was great to see them. and i'm excited that they have a good home. they had a shepherd that passed away. it was a special needs dog and they did all the stuff that they needed for him. so it'll be a good home for them.

my mom said that she'd pre order This Is It .for me from Best Buy. so i can get the free steelbook box that goes with it.so it's been a good day.

well my aunt gail, uncle ronnie, cousin kristin, cousin eric, erics fiancee kristin, cousin ronnie, ronnie's girlfriend stephanie, and my cousin josh all helped me move out last night. we got everything out of my room loaded and in the apartment in 1 hour flat. Eric (my brother) and ottavio were like "whoa who are all these people!" i said "yeah, you didn't think i had a team did ya?" lol everything is moved. not quite livable yet. no cable or internet. but we should do that this week. for now i'm staying at my cousin kristins. leo and wyatt are still at the vet. i'm supposed to bring them home tomorrow. i don't know what leo will do if i leave at night. he might cry or pee or something. so i might have to leave them at the clinic a few more days. or maybe kristin will let me have leo here since we aren't staying permanently. at least at night with me. it's alot of carting him around though. not sure i want to do that. so we'll see with that.

the boys went to the breeders yesterday. they are there for a little while. at least 2 weeks. i called and checked on them today. they seem to be doing okay so far. she said they sat by the door and waited for me all night. ken only got them to eat a little bit. she talked to simone (another woman helping me find a home for them) so we're trying to get them a good home. they may have to be separated. which isn't preferred. but i'd rather see them separated and in good homes than see them have to go to the shelter.it wasn't easy that's for sure. but at least their safe. i'll feel better when i'm in my apartment with leo and wyatt.

so that's the update for now. i'll keep you posted best i can.

Hey guys,
i've been trying to keep you all posted on what's going on but as you can imagine things have been a bit crazy. Today i brought leo, wyatt, and kismet to work with me. yes that was as big of a project as it sounds lol. they had more stuff to take with them than i did lol. Kismet will be going home with my friend vicky tonight. that is his new home. i did manage to have time to say goodbye to him before i left. Leo and Wyatt, i am keeping but they are staying at the clinic till monday. i am actually going to drop off my rent check and pick up my key at 4:30 today. i'm moving in tomorrow night. i might be staying with my cousin till we get everything a bit more settled. the dogs are still a bit up in the air. the breeder said she can foster them but only till the first of the year. that still buys us some time. so i'm hoping i can drop them off there and everyone goes for that plan. she needs a guarantee that someoen will pick the dogs up by the 1st. so i will say that if we can't get something by then i'll pick them up and we'll do what we need to then. most likely it will have to be bringing them to the shelter. other than that everything has pretty much fallen into place. so that's what's going on now.

i did get to the breeders yesterday. unfortunately they can't take them. i have a few new people working on finding the dogs a home. but nothing yet.

my move in date has moved. now everything is coming down to this weekend. everyone wants to help me move, nobdoy wants to do it while my aunt is home. so we're trying for this weekend. that means the dogs gotta be somewhere by like friday. i have like a bagillion things to do this week.

the stress and aggrivation and saddness is getting to me. i'm just not having a very good night right now.

well it seems my luck continues to get better and better. my mom was supposed to take me to the dogs breeders today to talk to them. since they changed their number and i have no way to just call them. but she called and said the battery light in her car came on. and ofcourse it decided to start snowing hard and fast. first snowfall of the year. which normally i'd be excited about being that i love cold weather. but why today of all days? i'm moving a week from tuesday. time to get these dogs somewhere is running out fast. if the breeder can't take them back they have to be dumped at the shelter. this is their last chance before that happens as it is. my mom said maybe tomorrow or possibly tuesday. i should be able to get up there tomorrow, my cousin told me she could take me. so wish me luck. again. though i'm not sure luck is what i should be asking for. it may need a miracle. anyway i'm off to start packing.

here is an update for you guys.

so i confirmed yesterday that i am officially moving into my new apartment on the 15th of Dec. that is exactly 2 weeks from today. i'm slowly packing and stealing boxes from work. I still haven't found a place for my dogs so that is pretty stressful. i'm going to take a ride to their breeders this saturday. they are still in the same spot but the number has changed. so i'm gonna go up there and hopefully they are home and they can take them. my aunt is finally realizing that i'm leaving. so now she's trying to guilt me into staying and she's also heartbroken about the dogs. she doesn't want them to be separated or not taken care of properly. and ofcourse i don't want that either but i also don't know that i have a choice. she has offered to keep them here and pay for their food if i can cover their vet bills. which i can because i'm getting on a plan at work where they take 5 bucks out of my pay check every pay period and that goes toward all their medical costs for all my animals. so i was gonna do that for leo and wyatt and keep kismets meds on my bill as well. so i could feesibly do that. but my problem is then i have to come over here and give them their meds and walk them which is fine. but that puts me in a position of her asking me to grab milk for her or whatever. adn i'm not gonna be able to give her money. also i'm worried about the dogs staying here. it seems like the ideal solution however those dogs do not like mike. i don't call them in here or make them stay in here. he appears they run in here with me. and i have seen mike try to make them go outside for no reason and i know he's hit bandit before. and bandit watches him with a weary watchful look. if mike makes the wrong move around that dog and i'm not here to call him off mike could very easily lose a hand. and if i'mnot here they dot't have mommy's room that mikes not allowed in to hide in. that concerns me a great deal. she left to go get mike who went to a job interview today. so now wit the idiot here i don't know that i'll be able to talk to her. but i'm gonna try and pull her aside and talk to her. i had told her i'd think about them staying here. so i'm gonna talk to her about my concerns. i mean i'm leaving in 2 weeks so the time to get everything out is now. i can' tbe concerned with her feelings anymore. i have to do what's best for what i consider to be my children. if that means i have to give them up then so be it. because everything in my training tells me that a fearful german shepherd is not something to be fooled with. in the wrong hands that dog can be lethal. their breeder knows shepherds. and they know fearful dogs. and they may not be geniuses at it. but with my help they could find a good home. maybe they could even stay with their breeders permanently. providing this saturday goes as i hope it will. but i'm definitely gonna try and get her to come in here away from mike and talk to her about my concerns with them staying here. so as you can see the battle is far from over. it's got two weeks left and those are gonna be a looong two weeks.
i will try to keep you posted.

For all of you following the dramatic saga of my life that should really be turned into a reality tv show of sorts i am pleased to announce...
I HAVE A HOME!!!! i put a deposit down on an apartment this morning. it is very short distance from where i live now so still close enough to work. it's 530 a month hot water is included. the heat is not. the heat is electric and that is separate. but each room has it's own dial so i'll be able to keep it controlled. it's gonna be really really tight but once i move i'm going to apply for food stamps which i should qualify for. so that will be a big help. if not i'll just have to get a second job. but we'll see how all that goes.

however the battle is not over. now there is packing, and telling my aunt, who lately wants me to stay and find a better apartment. i also have to find somewhere for my dogs to go asap. the apartment has a tenant right now. my landlord is hoping to have himout by the first the apartment will be ready no later than the 15th. if i can i'll stay here that would buy me time with the dogs and to find them a place. if not i'll be out on the first and i'll stay with my cousin till the apartment is ready. unfortunately if that is the case then i'll have to bring the dogs to the shelter.

i know your all wondering about Leo. good news there too. i get to keep him! and it's oka with my landlord if i have wyatt too. i may still have to find wyatt a home but at least he'll be able to stay with me till he gets one. Kismet my other cat will be going to live with my friend Vicky so i know he'll have a good home. my only worry now is the dogs.

a huge THANK YOU!!!! to everyone for their prayers. and for their support and help through all of this. the war is not over yet but at least we are heading in teh right direction.

Happy Ville's Birthday Everyone!

so i got some good news but it comes with possibly more complications. i'm not really sure if it's good or not. as it turns out i can't afford the apartment i last mentioned. i'm not really surprised by that. my cousin told me today that a friend of hers is looking for a roommate. the rent would be 400 a month everything included. which is perfect. if your sensing a "but" coming you would be correct in that. she doesn't know if her friend will let me have leo. and she says "worse comes to worse you'll just move in with me. but if you move in with me you can't have any animals" so that means i'd have to give up leo. i already decided i'm not giving up leo. i called my friend lisa to see if she can run me and leo moving in there and paying rent for a room past her dad. i'm hoping i can get this roommate of my cousins and she'll just say yes to leo and everything will be fine. but i know better than to actually expect that. i just cannot lose leo. not after all that i've been through and all that i've lost. so everyone pray, hope, whatever that i can keep leo. thanks in advance.

so i figured i'd update you guys on what's been going on. pretty much it's the same. my cousin's fiancee said she would talk to her cousin about taking the dogs. i wouldn't be able to see them but it would be a good home and she'll keep her ear out. i also contacted a client of ours at work. he grew up with my friend terri and she gave me his number. he breeds shepherds and also does rescue work. he said he'd put some feelers out for me as well. which is good and heartbreaking all at the same time. i may end up keeping the bunny wyatt because he really doens't cost me anything and he may be easy on landlords because he's caged and not running around. so that would be nice.
i sent in a request for an application for food stamps and contacted social services about any other programs that may or may not be able to help me. hopefully something will come up.
i did get a lead on an apartment that is 600 a month heat and hot water is included. but that leaves me only about 200 a month for phone/internet/cable, electric, and food. so i don't know that i can afford that without some assistance which i may or may not get. the other option would be getting a second job. however the state won't help me if i do that. so i'm holding off on that to see if they can help me first.
basically it's been alot of doing and trying and getting nowhere. and i've got exactly 2 weeks 2 days before i'm homeless. miracle anyone? lol i know better. that's just not my luck. even with it being Friday The 13th luck just does not seem to be on my side.

well i still haven't found a place to live that i can afford. even if i only keep leo. as i said before i won't part with him. my cousin said that she might have me move in with her. her main concern is that i do need to learn to live on my own and stuff. i told her that i agree with her on that. i've been ready to live on my own for a long time. long before all this went down. so i suggested that she charge me rent as if i was just renting a room. at least then it's a step in the right direction. no different than if i just got a random roommate. only the roommate just happens to be my cousin. she agreed. so we're still figuring stuff out. i have to find a place for my animals except leo. i can't have them all there. her brother is the landlord but he'd kill the both of us if i brought my pets there. he'd probably be okay with just leo though. she has a new puppy. so my 4 year old litter trained cat with clipped claws should not be a problem. so i don't know we'll see. my friend vicky at work said she could take kismet. she can't take the dogs because she has six dogs already. but she could take a cat. i have a couple options ofr the dogs. her cousin may take them. also i can call their breeder and see what she can do for me. and my friend sent me some links to some german shepherd rescues. it will be heartbreaking and add to the many losses i've already suffered the last few months but iu n the long run i know it's for the best. i'll try to keep you guys posted.

well i did end up going to dinner with my mom yesterday. we went to wendy's. she got me the 2 disc This Is It cd that i didn't really have the money to get. as well as the cd of Invincible. which i only have on itunes. she wants to come down once a week and do something. she's going to help me find a place to live. which i'm in no position to turn down help. however, it is mom. and it is also weird that she didn't decide to try and contact me until she heard that me and my aunt had a falling out that resulted in me moving out. so i don't trust her fully. i'm still not sure if this good or bad. i'd like to trust her but i can't because i can't afford to be screwed over either. i also can't really take any more drama in my life. so i guess i'll keep you posted.

well tomorrow it becomes official. i give my final decision that i'm moving out. which really it's a formality at this point. everyone knows that i'm moving out. my aunt doesn't even want me here. she's made that perfectly clear. never the less. over a week later i still have no idea where i'm going to live. and the very real possibility of giving up my animals except for leo is screaming at me. i refuse to give up leo. he and i are far too bonded to be separated. but that still leaves another cat a rabbit and 2 german shepehrds to find new homes for. which to say that's breaking my heart is an understatement.

in other news a family friend Michelle called me today. apparently my mother who ihaven't seen or talked to in about five or six years wants to have dinner with me tomorrow night. i said yes. ofcourse has anyone called me back? ofcourse not. so who knows what will happen with that

last night i saw This Is It. the movie was phenomenal. the tour would have been beyond words. Michael was absolutely amazing and definitely outdoing himself. it was great to see him at his best. i still miss him so mcuh. he was always the one there for me. the best part was when the whole audience sang along in the theater. i was the only one in tribute form. i wore the military jacket from the party. kristin my cousins fiancee who went with me bought me an MJ t-shirt. that was really sweet of her.

in closing i'm exhausted, stressed to the max, and depressed. and have been for days. tomorrow is Halloween. my favorite holiday and i don't even care.

so tonight like last night i'm locking myself in my bedroom till mike goes to bed to avoid getting into trouble. silence is the only way i can survive in this house. anyway i left to walk the dogs. mike fucking saw me get the dogs ready for a walk and go. i turned on the porch lights. and get ready and go. i come home and the whole house is dark. including the porch lights. and the fucking door is locked. needless to say i don't have my key. and he has the music blairing so he couldn't have heard me knock. and i really didn't want to see him because i would have said something. so i had to go around back and punch a hole in my screen so i could reach through and pop it out and climb in my bedroom window. then go let my dogs in. they were laying in the hallway outside my door and mike comes in the hall and starts going "c'mon give her a break leave cara alone for a little while" and makes them go outside in the rain. he had to convince bandit to go outside because he didn't want to. and he doesn't like mike. i was so infuriated that i called my sister to vent. because typing at that point was not gonna be good enough. then when erics grandmother dropped him off she was chatting with mike cuz he's charmed her. so i took that opportunity to get a bowl of lucky charms and a couple sodas so i had food in here. while i'm in hybernation. once last night and to once tonight he's knocked on my door and i ignore him. i'm sure i'll hear about it on the way to work. but sorry if she doesn't want the cops called this is how it's gotta be when she's not here. i so can't wait to get out of here. this was all after a complete meltdown and i curled up crying in my closet because of all the stress and tomorrow being four months since Michael's death.

for the first time since sunday night my aunt and mike approached me. mike apparently wants me to stay. though i'm not sure it's not just a ploy to make him look good and hope that i refuse. he has offered me the attic. i'm not sure if this includes bathroom and kitchen. though it didn't sound like it in his offer. if i stay i pay my aunt rent. i asked my aunt if she wanted me to stay. but she didn't answer she just said "i'm on vacation" last night she asked for a one week mental health vacation. where nobody bothers her unless it's an emergency and other than that she will continue her regular routine of bringing me to work and what knot but that is all. so i don't see how this conversation is really useful anyway if she's just not dealing. i did manage to get across that i did not punch mike in the face nor did i kick him between the legs. that was the only thing that iwas able to say. before getting cut off with "think before you talk" so in order for what i need to say to get across without being cut off. i'm going to have to type it up in a letter or something similar. the deal is this: if i stay i pay rent. i get my own access. my animals can stay. if i chose to get my own place or live with someone else then she cuts all ties with me and her responsibilities to me are then over. i have until halloween to decide. i should also mention that in the conversation at random mike offered to buy my dogs from me. as if i would ever let that happen. the only reason i didn't just say fuck you is because i truly don't know where i'm going to go or how i'm going to get there. transporation to and from work is a problem these are valid points. and finding an affordable apartment that allows my animals is also not easy. so i said that i would think about it. however, that does not change that screaming and fighting continues and will continue. i don't want to take the chance of mike drinking the wrong thing or the wrong amoung and changing his mind. it's clear he has obvious pull with her. i didn't get the feeling that she wants me here. i have been physicall ill since sunday. my stomache is always upset. i'm nauseous all the time or i have to go to the bathroom all the time. my dogs don't come to mike they run away from him. i don't honestly think that i can live here anymore. i don't know that i can handle it. the other question is do i mention Michael in all of this. i'm pretty sure that's a bad idea. his death is definitly part of it. but she'll use him against me and i don't know if i can.

the latest update in the saga that is my life will probably throw you guys for a loop. it all happened so fast and was so out of control that i didn't really have time to update you guys on what was going on as it happened. so starting with sunday night. mike was drinking again. he sent me to the store to buy him a 40 oz bottle of beer. shortly after that mike wants the door open. it's like 30 degrees outside. eric must have said it was cold so mike told him "put a fucking sweater on" eric then came into my room, calm and not upset and simply said "Cara, mike is acting drunk" i replieyd "i really can't be dealing with it anymore eric. just do what he says and we'll close the door later when he goes to bed." then mike came into the hallway screaming at eric "go ahead go cry to cara you fucking cry baby" so i got up and said "mike shut up and leave us alone" when i did that i did shove eric out of my way with out the intent to hurt him. mike then yelled at me for shoving eric and i told him that eric was welcome to say whatever he wanted to me. mike then starts screaming at me that "i run this house bitch" and told me to go to my room. i told him "fuck you you fucking asshole i'm 24 years old" during this i did shove mike away from me using the side of my body. he then flipped out about me hitting him. also calimed i kicked him in the balls. i didn't. i shoved him twice that's it. anyway, needless to say my aunt was called and mike called the cops on me wanting me arrested. my aunt over the phone took his side. she told me on the phone that if i couldn't handle her choice in men then i need to get the fuck out. the cops came and talked to mike talked to me got both sides of the story. as it turns out the cops weren't too thrilled with him. the cop came in my room and shut the door behind him and said "you don't mind if i shut that do you?" i replied "no, it's fine" he said "i just can't listen to him anymore" then he told me that he can't make me leave. if i chose to stay mike wants me arrested and it would be harrassment at bes ti wouldn't be going to jail anyway. but to avoid having an arrest on my file it would be better to leave voluntarily. so i said i'd call my cousin kristin. she came in yelling at mike and the cops when i said that. apparenlty my aunt called her. i ended up staying at kristins house sunday night. i brought with me my ipod, 2 books, clothes for work, pajamas for bed. three sodas, my medicine and an empty waterbottle. kristin let me use her laptop to talk to my sister and tell her what was going on but i was too upset to post here. i didn't really sleep at all and kristin took me to work the next day. i brought some apple juice with me to work from her house but had no lunch and no money. and the frosted flakes i ate at her house inthe morning was al i ate since the nutty butty bar at about 4 pm on sunday wiht lunch on sunday at about 12ish. vicky got me subway for lunch and i told her i'd pay her back when i had money. and peggy from work brought me some snacks from her house. it ended up being too much food for lunch but it was lucky because the left overs ended up being my dinner. kristin called me in the afternoon at work to ask if i had heard from my aunt. i said i hadn't. she siad "i talked to her this morning she was being a complete and total bitch so i blew her off and haven't spoken to her since so call home like normal for a ride if she refuses then call me" when i called the phone was out so i called kristin and told her that. kristin sent her mother, my aunt gail to get me. gail asked what i wanted to do. i told her "go home. not going back is worse than going back" she said the house looked dark and asked if i wanted her to wait for me or come in with me. i told her it was fine. i came in the boys were playing video games and eric informed me that they were sleeping and they'd talk to me in the morning. ottavio asked if was alright i told him i was and thank you for asking. i then went on about my business. talked to kristin via cell phone. i have no phone now because i ran out of minutes. after talking to my sister and her friend lisa and kristin. this morning my aunt informed me that she wants me out by Dec 1. during her whole thing about noody caring about her and me not being appreciative or standing by her etc etc. i said nothing. there wasn't anything to say. mike tried talking to me while she wasn't home when she brought eric to school. he said that he was trying to convince her to give me a second chance, which she did say that he said that. i said "she's made up her mind and it's fine" then her car pulled up so i walked away. i knew if she came in to me talking to mike she'd assume i was begging him for forgiveness or something and it would start a fight. so i just walked away. she said she'll bring me to work while i still live here and i can have anything in my room (that's where my stuff is) that i want. but me and my animals ahve to be out by Dec. 1. i wouldn't leave them here anyway. basically not a chance in hell. i emailed work to let them know i'm fine. everyone was worried about me going home. gail offered to help me find a plae to live i had told her that i wanted to talk to my aunt first but i'll talk to kristin when i can and tell her that if her mothers offer still stands i'll take it. my and my sisters friend lisa also offeredme a place. the dogs may be an issue but she said we might be able to work something out. i breifly looked at some state aid. i think that staying with someone would be better at first. since transporation is a bit of an issue as well. so that's where i'm at now. i'll try to keep you posted but if there is one thing that i've learned since Michael's death it's that things can change in seconds.

okay so i'm home from the Halloween party. i'm a little drunk. i had lots and lots of punch, some wine and i did group jello shots. poor nicole was drinking vicariously through everyone else. she has stomache issues which make it so she really can't drink. so she was like "how's that smell, does that smell good. is it good??" lol. veronica though not drunk did her mating calls for us and we got her to do it to everyone else. and they actually got me to Moonwalk. after a few punches. after a few more punches the moonwalks weren't straight anymore lol. i did the kick at one point too. jaimies husband john has to win best costume. he was jesus. though when i left it was more like a gay cowboy jesus.apparenly the number of costumes tells you how much he's had to drink lol. but it was fun. mereidth was confusious and she had tomove her beard to eat which we all got a kick out of. she wanted me to do the crotch grab but i wasn't drunk enough to do that at the time of her asking lol. when i first got there jaimies 3 year old daughter ellie came running up to me and wanted me to pick her up. it pretty much proved mine and stephanies point of children flock to MJ.

as promised i took pics before i left.